91 days & grace stairs

I remember being in the last days of pregnancy with my oldest. Every day that passed was a day closer to his ‘due date’. I’m a prompt kind of girl. My dad taught me to be 5 minutes early or I am already 5 minutes late. My son’s due date came and went. I remember waking up the day after he was due and just deciding that he was basically never coming out so I just had to move on with life. I’d be pregnant forever and I would just have to deal with it. I know that sounds irrational, but if you know a pregnant woman who has gone over her “due date” – you know irrational is pretty normal. Well, two days later he arrived. And I became a mom.

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He’s 8 now. And he is pretty much always on time. Prompt little guy like his momma.

I tell him all the time he gave me the greatest gift – he made me a mom.
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Today marks day 91 of our approval letter wait. So many wait much longer, but so many also wait much less. We were told to expect it in 30-90 days. Day 91 feels in a small way like being overdue…like the ‘pregnancy’ will never end. It is crazy to think about how different the process is for our daughter. She has spent all but 3 days of her life in a little metal crib. She has no concept or idea of what her very near future holds. All she can see is the four white walls of her orphanage room. Her world is so very small right now. Not even in her wildest baby dreams could she fathom what is ahead.

She has no idea that her 8 year old brother begs God every night that He would bring his baby sister home.

She has no idea her 6 year old brother includes her in all the family portraits he draws.

She has no idea her 4 year old brother asks everyday if it is the day we get to go get his sister.

She has no idea that her big sister carries her picture and hugs her image on a computer screen.

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She has no idea the heartache and longing her family feels.

She has no idea that she is so much a part of our family that we miss someone we’ve never met face to face.

She has no idea the huge void our whole family feels in her absence.

She has no idea her picture sits on our mantle and we stare at it all day. (I put a heart over her pic for this post)
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We look at her picture and can’t comprehend that of all the families in the world, we would get to be hers. We are blessed beyond measure. The wait is so difficult. In the wait, I think about my girl and how small her view of the future is right now. She can’t see the ‘big picture’, she sees the metal bars of her crib. And I think about how I am so much like her. Right now all I can see is the wait and the distance between us. And yet, I know that no matter how hard I try I can’t even begin to comprehend the joy that awaits me in simply being her mom. I cannot wait.

I read a post by Ann Voskamp yesterday titled A Prayer for the BrokenHearted (click here to read it all). I kind of think the end she wrote just for me….

“And may that wind the brokenhearted daughter faces, may it fly her hair like a glory flag,

And may the hills that rise before her be but an exhilaration,

And may all her trials be but a trail,

all the stones on the way be but grace stairs to God.

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