fill my heart with song

A sweet friend sent me a new picture to hang on my wall. I’ve hinted at it some…part of my daughter’s name is “Song”.

My Song.

My heart is full.
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Adoption is beautiful and yet full of pain too. There are hard truths related to adoption. Loss for children. Loss for families. Grief. I am an answer seeker…a researcher…a digger for truth. I am digging for answers for my daughter, despite the hard truths I might learn along the way. I am learning from doctors, parents, counselors on how to help my daughter. She is not staring at pictures of our family. She is not dreaming of laying under blankets snuggling with her sister. When we meet, her world will be rocked to its core.

My heart is hurting for her. It hurts for the pain she has already known. It hurts for the loss she has already faced. It hurts for her birth family.

A year ago yesterday, FireCracker broke her femur. This is a photo of her big brother the first time he saw her in the hospital. His face is how I am feeling for my Little One.

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His heart broke when he saw his baby sister in that hospital bed. He didn’t understand why she was there. He couldn’t comprehend all she was enduring. He just knew she was hurt. He didn’t have answers, only questions. He was hurting.

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His hurt and concern for her never diminished, but he did figure out how to still be her loved big brother. He couldn’t heal her broken leg, but he could love her through it. He could lay in that hospital crib next to her watching movies. He continued to do so every visit for the 3 weeks she was in the hospital. He did what he could to love her as only a big brother can.

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And while I will still search for answers for my daughter, I will also keep moving forward and love her as only a mother can. We are still waiting on that Letter of Acceptance. When it arrives I’ll be mailing some disposable cameras and a Q&A book her way. The cameras are in hope that the caretakers will capture some everyday moments of her. The Q&A book is written in Chinese and English. It is full of questions about her early days, her likes, dislikes, milestones….basically a baby book that the caretakers can fill out. I’ll mark the most important questions to me and hope they answer them.

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And I’ll celebrate with FireCracker as she waits for her little sister…this girl loves to match, she is excited about these shirts!

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And, I’m even starting to make a list for packing. A friend sent me some items to take when we travel. I usually am a very last minute packer. I think I’ll at least start planning a little better this time.

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So it has been a hard couple of weeks as we wait and learn. So much I’ve been learning I am not ready to share…I’m still processing. So much is her story alone and I will always protect what is hers. Other aspects I want to share, to shed light on issues many are unaware exist. We are on day 39 of our wait. It seems like many are waiting an average of 80 days right now. Blah.

I usually check my email first thing in the morning in hopes there is something from my agency. Yesterday I waited. I just wasn’t ready for no news again. But, when I did check it there was a new email from my agency. Yesterday was a very good day.

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Just to clarify, those are only peeks at the photos we received, but they are the first peeks of her I’ve shared on this blog. I’ll be able to share more about her after we get our acceptance letter. She’s gorgeous and I’ve studied every last detail of my three new pictures.

My heart is full of Song.

 

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